Saying this was a surprise is putting it mildly. We certainly weren't planning a fourth child, in fact, the plan was to NOT have any more children. After all, we have three already (which is plenty) and I'm about to start nursing school in the fall.
Our calendar is full. My patience is thin. This is not a part of the plan.
I'll be honest with you (because that's sort of our thing, right?) and admit that I cried when I saw that little plus sign, and unlike in the past, they were not tears of joy. They were tears of worry for my future and frustration with myself for letting this happen. It took me 30 years to finally figure out what I wanted to do with my life and get started on that path, and now I've potentially sabotaged myself.
For several days, I was so overwhelmed by the barrage of negative feelings, I couldn't find any joy in our situation. Not to mention, it is very difficult to get excited about something that makes you violently ill. Imagine someone tells you that you're going to Disney World, but that every ride is going to make you vomit. Now how excited are you? A little less so, I'd imagine. And that's where I was: sick at Disney World.
This is not to say that I am ungrateful for this child. Please don't think that. Every child is a blessing, regardless of the circumstances, and we will love this new baby with our whole hearts. It's just taking me some time to get to a place where this FEELS like a blessing.
Today, things seem a little brighter. Just a few weeks into this pregnancy, and we've already settled on names (for now), which is always one of the first things I like to check off my list. Naming the baby helps me feel attached and makes this all a bit easier to handle. The nausea is worse than any of my previous pregnancies, but I'm figuring out how to lessen it, and being able to get out of bed or off the couch greatly improves morale. I even held tiny twins a few nights ago and felt myself getting excited over the idea of having another itty bitty of my own. So, all this to say, I'm getting there.
Our kids, unlike their mother, did not need any time at all to come around. They have been Team Pink since the moment we told them, and can't stop asking questions about the new baby. They worry about how sick I've been (Logan, especially, because he's my worrier), and love to help by bringing me crackers and water and being on their best behavior. If ever anything were to convince me that this is not such a terrible idea, it would be three kids on their best behavior. This peace won't last, soon enough they'll be back to their constant fighting and daily destruction of our house, but I'm enjoying it while it does.
And so, I leave you with the thing(s) that has most helped to get me on board with this newest venture: pictures of my kids in all their tiny, newborn perfection. How could you NOT want a million babies when they're this beautiful???
1 comment:
Loved seeing your collection of newborn photos.
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